Blessings

These past few days I've been living my life on the sofa with my nose stuck in a book. Two books actually, which is very unlike me. I usually like to stick to one at a time, but they're both so good. How can I choose?

Also I'm procrastinating because I have things on my mind and I've been trying to decide how best to put them in writing. Or if I should write them at all.

I try not to overwhelm my blog with melancholy posts about my car crash. There for a while recovery was my life so that's what I wrote about, but now it isn't. Recovery is still part of my daily routine, but it isn't as physical as it used to be. There are still daily physical reminders that I can't ignore, but there are only so many times that I can tell you my face hurts before you get tired of reading it.

I get tired of saying it.

I also get tired of feeling it, but that's my reality and I'm dealing with it.

This all started on Thanksgiving day. Everyone takes a moment that day to express their gratitude for the blessings in their lives. I have so much to be thankful for and I always have, but this year my gratitude stays on the surface always wanting to burst through. I can't really explain how I feel. How glad I am to be alive.

Anyway, back to last Thursday. Before everyone got here Andy and I took a moment to tell each other how much we love one another and how grateful we are to have the other person in our lives. Andy doesn't like to be serious. He makes a joke out of most situations, but when he told me he was glad I was there with him because I almost died, I knew he wasn't joking. He may have made a joke two seconds later, but you don't know someone for ten years and not be able to see behind their mask. I just let him be silly and made a joke right along with him because that is how he deals. And he has done so much for me I at least owe him that.

So we went about our day. Cooking and tidying the apartment for our company. But the rest of the day (and every day since then) I've been counting my blessings.

Last Wednesday I spent the entire day on my feet. Pretty much from the time I got out of bed until I laid down again. It made my ankle hurt. A lot. I did it so that Thursday I could spend a little less time in the kitchen and enjoy the day. I spent the morning watching the parade and when Andy got home from hunting we watch the national dog show together. But my ankle still hurt just sitting on the sofa. Then it was time for more kitchen activity. My ankle hurt. My face also hurt because the weather changed and got colder and I was talking and smiling to entertain our company.

But all of the little pains were inconsequential. My brain registered them, but that was about it. All I could think of the whole day was how glad I was that we were hosting Thanksgiving in our home for our families. I felt like I might burst with the joy of simply cooking a meal. Granted, it wasn't a small meal, it was a major undertaking, but it was mine. I owned it. And most importantly I was able to do it. I stood on my own two feet and used my hands to craft a meal for my family. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I felt like I was me again. The "before" me. I've changed and I know that. I'm not the same person I was before my crash. But for a short time I could forget it all. Even the physical reminders weren't enough to bring me down of my mountain.

Sure there was stress, but even stress is a welcome emotion when I couldn't so much as fix myself a bowl of cereal a few months ago. Hell, I couldn't have eaten a bowl of cereal if someone had fixed it for me.

Sometimes "gratitude" doesn't seem like a big enough word.

And then I have a bad day. Not even a bad day, but a bad moment.

I have no memory of sirens the day of the accident. I don't know if they used them, but if they did I didn't hear them. I remember when the ambulance and first responders got there, but the sounds I remember don't include sirens.

Yet when I hear a siren now it's like a gun going off. My heart starts to race and I say a little prayer for whoever is hurting or in trouble. It's become an automatic response for me.

This morning I woke up to the sound of sirens. I don't know what the emergency was, but it was a big one because there were several sirens and they were all honking their horns for cars to get out of the way. You couldn't sense their urgency. Usually after I say my prayer I can move on with the day. I've been awakened by sirens before, but today was different.

I went back to that day. To the aftermath and I couldn't seem to get a grip on the present. I was safe in my bed, but for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling that I had. Someone was hurting like I had hurt. Someone might not be as fortunate as I was.

This happens sometimes and it's like I need something to hold on to so I can get myself back. Usually it's Andy.

So I slid over in bed to snuggle up against him and automatically the world turned right side up again. Just like it always does when he's there.

Do you see how being grateful sometimes is not enough?

I've also been thinking lately about survival, and how survival is not always what people think.

Surviving is different from living.

I like to think that I am living. I certainly try. I think if I were just surviving then mornings like I had today would ruin the whole day. Maybe even drag me under for a few days.

But it didn't. I'm alright now.

I know that I have Andy to thank for that.

I have a lot of people to thank. The EMTs, first responders, doctors and medical staff for one thing. They all helped give me my life.

But my family and friends help me to live it.

I am blessed.

I am grateful.

Thanksgiving Redux

Thanksgiving was a success.

Thanks, in no small part, to my husband and mother-in-law.

Everyone arrived safely even though it was snowing.

Andy had the ENTIRE day off and the ski slope opened the next day.

I only got a little frazzled because my kitchen is too small and I need more counter space. In reality my kitchen is large compared to other apartment kitchens, but I need a lot of space.

I went totally overboard and made way too much food, but that was alright because that meant people could take a bunch home and we still had plenty of leftovers.

The floor didn't fall in from all the extra weight (like Andy predicted it would).

The menu consisted of: Appetizers - a cheese ball and crackers, a cheese and meat tray, pumpkin dip with ginger snaps. Dinner- Maple brined turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans, stuffing, corn, roasted acorn squash, stewed apples, homemade dinner rolls. Dessert - Apple pie, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, cupcakes, brownies, sugar cookies.

Some photos of the day:

Before most people arrived and
before I got flustered

Checkin' the bird
Betty Crocker
The spread

Dessert
(The cupcakes were kept hidden
until the last possible moment)
Brunswick pauses for a moment to say,
"Mom! We've been invaded!!!"
The whole group

The rest of the weekend was peaceful and mostly uneventful. We don't shop on Black Friday because 1) Andy hates crowds and 2) years of working in retail have given me a complex about the day and I avoid it at all costs.

We did go out on Saturday night to get out of the house for a bit. The town and shopping centers were actually calm by that point so we didn't feel like we needed a nap afterward. While we were gone Milton had a temper tantrum. Details to come.

I haven't been hungry since Thursday afternoon, but for some reason I can't stop eating. My stomach is about to stage a revolt!

How was your holiday?

The other one

I decided to go ahead and make another blog to use as my gratitude journal. Here's the link if you're interested:

Grateful to Be...

The resolution

How has this new year been to you all so far? I can't complain. I've had a busy, tiring day, but I did manage to prove someone wrong today and I do so enjoy being right. (By the way, don't ever tell me I can't install a doorknob because I'm a girl. You might find yourself eating crow and being forced to face my awesomeness every time you open the door with that knob. But, that's another story, for another day.)

Last night was blissfully laid back. I could spend every New Years Eve like the one last night. I lounged in my pajamas drinking cocktails and watching When Harry Met Sally. Then Andy and I opened the curtains to our big picture window and watched the fireworks display on the ski slope while Dick Clark counted down to the new year in the background. I couldn't have asked for a better night. It was perfect.

I've been swishing around the idea of a resolution in my head today. I'm not big on resolutions. I feel like new years resolutions are a plot to make people force unpleasant things on themselves. Carrying out a resolution is usually difficult and causes unnecessary stress when you don't hold up your end of the bargain. I think if you resolve to do something it should be spontaneous and not forced upon you by society's standards. Why don't we have half year resolutions? Why do we always have to make them on January 1? Also, if you do manage to stick to this promise you make shouldn't you get something out of it? Shouldn't there be some kind of gratification to go along with all the self sacrifice? As you can see, I haven't gotten very far in convincing myself to make a resolution.

Then I found this, or rather it was pointed out to me by Whoorl. What a great idea! After having gratitude month in November I felt so blessed to be me. It has kind of stuck with me all the month of December and for once the grass hasn't been greener somewhere else. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of things I'd still like to see/do/experience in the future, but I've managed to not dwell on the whens and focus more on the nows. So I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. I'm making a resolution. For 365 days I'm going to find five things every day that I'm grateful for and I'm going to post them. It's possible that I'll make another blog to post them in, just so I don't clutter this one up too much, but I'll keep you posted on how that develops.

Everyone else feel free to join in. You don't have to share it with the world in a blog. Go get yourself a notebook and keep it all to yourself. The point is to make you happier, not everyone else.

So here we go! Day 1:

1. Ice cold water right after I brush my teeth
2. An evening curled up on the couch with Andy
3. Flannel pajama bottoms
4. Mocha Lattes
5. Filling up my car for less than $30
   

Gratitude, Day 30

This past month has been great. Taking the time to be consciously grateful for something every day has really opened my eyes to how many ways I've been blessed in my life.

But right now the thing that I'm most grateful for is that today is the last day of November and I can take a mini vacation from blogging. I don't know if you noticed, but I don't always have something interesting to say, and some days I considered asking Andy to write my blog post for me. I didn't, just so you know, this is all me.

I'll be back in a day or two; hopefully refreshed and ready to resume previously scheduled blogging.

I hope these last few hours of the holiday weekend find you restful and content. Tomorrow is back to the grindstone for many of you, but don't fret, the holiday season has just begun.

Gratitude, Day 29

For the first half of the day I told people that it was the 28th and even printed it on some documents that I had to go back and fix once I figured out that I'm an idiot. If I'd written my gratitude post this morning like I meant to do that wouldn't have happened now would it? Live and learn.

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Getting down to business: today (and every day) I'm grateful for all of my readers. Some of you are people that I know personally and you read my drivel because you know me and you get where I'm coming from. I try to make it obvious to everyone, but it's hard to convey certain emotions in writing. What astounds me is that I seem to have picked up quite a few readers that I've never met. I think that's awesome.

I started this blog as a way to keep friends and family updated on my life. I'm sure many of you have experienced the pain of growing up and growing apart. People move on and don't stay up to date with the ones that really matter. This was my way of avoiding that. It has turned into something else entirely. I've never been a diary keeper, but something about letting the world wide web know my innermost thoughts keeps me posting. Not to say that there isn't a certain level of censorship in what I write. There is, but if we are honest with ourselves we can admit that we censor even the most intimate of relationships. Is there any one person that knows everything about you but yourself? The real answer to that is no.

So thank you for taking this journey with me. I plan to continue to keep things as real as possible around here, and if I can entertain you or cause you to stop and think about an issue along the way, then I'm happy with that.

If you like me then stick around, and feel free to leave your comments. I do love waking up to a comment in the morning.

If you don't like me then just go away. Not that I don't want you to stick around and try to like me, but life is too short to force yourself to like someone. There are plenty of other blogs out there and I'm sure you'll stumble across one that is just your cup of tea.

Gratitude, Day 28

Gratitude for family

My parents
Check out my mom's new glasses. Aren't they cute?

My step dad's brother Charles, his wife Mildred
and their grandson Trent

My niece, Veronica, enamored by the Rugrat's movie

My Ma-Maw Bobbie

My Aunt Donna and my mom
They were trying to hide what they consider
to be their old necks...

Cousins Elizabeth and Hannah

Uncles Tony and Todd

Aunt Pam with her constant companion, Sophie

Cousins Luke and Bekah and Aunt Donna

Nephew Alex playing with a really obnoxious toy

Nephew Jerem (he got hot and yes,
those are his underwear hanging out of his pants)
and cousin Caleb

Now, after two days of non-stop eating, please excuse me while I slip into a coma until Christmas.

Gratitude, Day 27

We had an amazing Thanksgiving feast. Yesterday, after I went to spend a little time with some extended family, I came back home and started cooking. Or rather, resumed cooking, because Wednesday was spent in the kitchen as well. Andy and I invited a friend over for dinner and he contributed to our buffet as well. I have to say, I'm really proud of our first Thanksgiving meal. There is a lot of food left though, so if you're in need, please stop by my house.

On the Menu:

Breakfast:

Homemade Cinnamon Rolls

Dinner:

Maple Brined Turkey Breast (brining is the way to go, the turkey was extra juicy)
Homemade yeast bread
Green Beans (From Tyler)
Mashed Potatoes
Sweet Potato Casserole (with brown sugar and pecan topping)
Stuffing with Dried Cranberries
Whiskey Glazed Carrots
Homemade Apple Pie (from Tyler)

The Spread

The pie was every bit as good as it looks.

Thanks Tyler!

Gratitude, Day 26

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!

Tonight I'm grateful that Brunswik just sat through an entire bath without freaking out and soaking Andy and I. This is the first time ever. Milton was another story, but at least one of them managed to behave himself.

I'm also extremely grateful for my incredible expanding stomach that is currently in preparation for the next few days of endless food. For as long as I can remember I've been eating at least 3 Thanksgiving meals, usually in one day, but this year I'm being spared and the feasting is being spread over two days. Our first Thanksgiving together Andy and I spent the day at three different grandmother's homes. We ate at the first two and then when we got to the last that night and I piled my plate high Andy looked at me like I had lost my mind. He just ate dessert and couldn't believe that I could fit that much food into my body, but it's tradition and I'm used to it. I think my body just knows what's going to happen this time every year so it just makes extra room. Andy has since become accustomed to my glutinous ways on Thanksgiving, and I can still eat him under the table. That is quite a feat.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday with your families and make sure you go ahead and have that extra piece of pie. It is Thanksgiving after all.

Gratitude, Day 25

Do you have a redbox at your local grocery store? We do. We kind of live far away from civilization so we just got a redbox a couple of months ago.

It's fantastic though. We have digital cable, but OnDemand isn't available where we are (I told you we lived far out), so renting from the TV is not an option. The closest Blockbuster is 20 minutes one way, plus the $5 to rent, plus the gas to drive back to return it. You can imagine that we didn't rent a lot of movies 'round these parts.

But since we got redbox? I could rent a movie every night if Andy would let me. I can drive a couple of minutes and just pay a buck. I love it. How could they have let us live without this for so long? I'm going out later, so I think I'll swing by and see if there are any new movies in my favorite vending machine.

Gratitude, Day 24

I can't imagine life without stretchy pants. When I'm home I live in pants with an elastic waist.

Andy wears his regular clothes right up until bedtime and I think he's completely off his nut. Why would you want to come home from a busy day and stay in your regular clothes? The first thing I do is switch out my jeans for something softer, and take off my bra, but that's another post entirely.

Gratitude, Day 23

I don't know about the rest of you, but sometimes my hair just doesn't do what I'd like. It's sticks up, or lays flat, and don't get me started on the static.

So what's a girl to do?

Put on a hat, that's what. I love hats. Especially in the winter; something about heat escaping through your head and a hat holding it in. It's been running about 30 degrees the last few days. Perfect weather to throw on a toboggan and run. Perfect weather for a bad hair day.

Gratitude, Day 22

They say silence is golden. Sometimes that is true. It's nice to turn everything off and just enjoy the lack of constant stimulation. Then your thoughts start to take over and they are a lot louder than the television or computer could ever hope to be.

For me, this where books come in. I have always loved to read. It's an instant escape into someone else's world. Someone else, who usually has much bigger problems than me. And the good ones have a happy ending, which lends hope that everyone in my reality will too.

Gratitude, Day 21

Hash brown casserole is the ultimate comfort food.

I just took a huge pan of it out of my oven.

Jealous?

Gratitude, Day 20

Sometimes I catch the crazy and have a melt down. They tell me it's all part of being a women. I could do without it.

Thankfully, Andy doesn't run for it whenever the crazy happens. I wouldn't blame him if he did, but lucky for me he has endless patience and never gets tired of me.

Gratitude, Day 19

Do you live in North Carolina like I do? Have you ever eaten at Village Inn Pizza?

If you haven't you should find the one nearest to you and go there immediately. If you don't live here, but will be visiting, then you should go to Village Inn while you're here.

Everyone has that one pizza place that is their own definition of the perfect pizza. Village Inn is that pizza place for me. My memories of this pizza parlor go back to childhood when my family would go there and my brother and I would watch them make our pizzas from our booth. You can see the kitchen and brick oven from the dinning room. We would sit there, backwards in the booth seat, waiting with quiet anticipation for the moment that our pizza would come out, hot, steamy, and delicious.

Sadly there is not a Village Inn where I live now. It's a serious flaw in this community. Sometimes I find myself craving it and seriously consider making the two hour round trip just to have it. My cravings are pretty strong. Pregnancy is going to be interesting for me some day.

Today I made a visit to my hometown. I had a luncheon with sausage and pepperoni. It was heaven. I think if we ever move to another location in this state I'll request that we take into consideration how far we are from the closest Village Inn.

Gratitude, Day 18

UGG boots.

Because I don't have to wear socks or lace anything up, even if they are really, really unattractive.

Gratitude, Day 17

Have you ever had a Mrs. Smith's Apple Crumb Pie with Cinnabon topping? No?

Well let me tell you that you haven't lived until you've had this pie.

Our first married Christmas Andy and I got one for dessert because my job at the time didn't allow me the extra time to whip up one of my usual concoctions. I've been addicted ever since.

All my life I've preferred cake to pie. I think it has something to do with the fact that I can bake anything except pie. Pie hates me when I try to make it myself, so I leave it to the professionals and eat my own cake. One day I'm going to conquer it, but for now I'll settle for eating Mrs. Smith's.

It's snowing outside, my home is toasty warm, and I have a freshly baked pie. It's been a good day.

Gratitude, Day 16

They started blowing snow on the ski slope yesterday and it snowed last night. It's in the teens/twenties tonight and the temp this week isn't supposed to reach 40. The slope should open tomorrow or Tuesday.

I bitch and moan a lot about the ski slope, but it pays our bills and so I can't really complain too much. There are some down sides to Andy working in the ski industry, like the 6.5 day work weeks and working through the holidays, but I'm glad it's there. Without that ski slope there would be no need for Andy's position.

So, while I don't love it all the time, Andy's job is a blessing right now. When so many (including myself) are jobless; I'm glad he has his, and as long as that ski slope is there he will continue to be employed. That is one definite that we can count on in this time of constant indefinites.

Gratitude, Day 15

Sometimes there's just nothing like a day filled with food network and pajamas. As the holidays approach there are going to be less and less days like this. Sometimes the happiest time of year turns out to be the most stressful for a lot of people. I usually get into it, but that doesn't mean sometimes I don't bite off a little more than I can chew.

For now, I'm going to find a good movie on television and enjoy the rest of this lazy Saturday.